As I allow my memories to come and go. I imagine them floating away like clouds in the sky. Somedays I do not know how I manage to sit with the memories, the anxiety, the fear, without my world falling apart.
In the past, I was fearful of remembering and experiencing flashbacks. It felt an internal battle that I would never win. My memories are not only about the abuse that happened boarding school but what I witnessed in hospital. In particular, one memory about a young man who had tried to end his life. He was sitting in a wheelchair with a blue cast on his left leg looking at the blaring television. I came in and sat on the other side of the room, he looked directing at me. His eyes conveyed a multitude of pain and terror. If a person’s eyes could speak, they were saying, ‘I am ready to go’. As I left to go bed, walking down the soulless corridors to my room. I went to sleep and the next morning he had passed away.
I never knew the circumstance of how he passed away but I think it was complications with his injury. I remember vividly his parents coming and being utterly devastated. Even though I never spoke or knew him personally, we connected for a moment and sometimes words are not needed. I often think about him at this time of year, hoping that he is in a better place and his family are safe and well.
In previous blogs, I have explained how the difficult and destructive hospital was for me. By remembering those memories and seeing how far I have come through, those challenging years. I am thankful for being alive and well. I would have never expected to have witnessed these things or endured those moments of pain. But, instead of looking into the darkness, I am trying to see the beauty in life. This does not mean that I am not aware of the pain and suffering around but instead of looking at the darkness, I am choosing to see the light.
For many years I was on this path to self-destruction. I didn’t trust anyone, not even my family. I felt as though the healthcare professionals and psychologists with doing more harm than good. Even when I would communicate my thoughts and feelings, it felt as though they were dismissed or unheard. …read more
Source:: The Huffington Post – UK Tec